Sometimes things happen in life that forces things to change in your life that you may not feel that need to change. Change can be good, even if you don't see how good it is for you. This chapter of my life, chapter 29 has been full of changes and downs and very few ups. At least I thought there were no ups; I had to really look at my year in review and learn to stop focusing on all the downs. I have learned to accept the downs and grow from them and appreciate and be thankful for my ups.
This chapter of my life is entitled change because there has been a lot of changes that were in no way, shape, or form apart of any plan that I had. I finally realize with my rediscovered belief and faith in God that I don't control anything , especially not my plan in life. The Lord does things to guide you and steer you in the right direction, even when you don't realize it. I don't see the reason for my job and income being all out of whack right now, but I know that he does. I have always been the type of person that smiles through the pain, even when I am crying out inside. I understand now what "give it all to God" means now. My job situation changed and honestly besides the income from it, I'm not mad about it. I was at a job that I DID NOT like or want to be at. I hated the job, everything about it made me uncomfortable and the commute was horrible it was just pretty much paycheck to paycheck. I was happy when I found out about the lay off , but I was devastated when I didn't get the job within the company that I was up for. The thought of starting over and having to build myself back up doing something that I hated was just not an option for me; I was not starting over again to apply again for what I really wanted and taking the chance of getting passed over again. That let me know that I could not progress professionally with that company . After the lay off I went back on my scheduled date, but there were so many things going on around me telling me not to. After 2 days back, I finally listened to the signs even though I was scared. When you don't get paid the money your supposed to get on time so you no longer have the money for the commute then you know it is time to go. Most of my changes have been from within and most of which took place in the month of December during my fast. After I left that job, I was able to publish my first book Not Cut Out 4 Love that I had finish writing while with that company. Writing that book helped me make changes in my life with men and my choices. Writing that book helped me realize the things that us as women fail to notice when were into a guy. I now can see those things early on when a guy tries to talk to me. I now have the inner strength to just leave the situation alone and be at peace. I am learning to fully love me first and truly understand my self-worth. This a change that I realize is good, initially I was only looking at the loneliness and that made me feel bad but overall now I am at peace now being by myself. I am learning to be in a relationship with myself , in doing that I know that I will be able to realize the worth and love for myself that I did not have. Also during this break from the regular 9-5 I published a poetry book entitled The Other Side with 34 poems; some new and some old, that was like therapy for me also. When it was completed and released I felt so free and vulnerable. I HATE that feeling of vulnerability , but God has shown me that it is necessary for things in my life. After my fast I gave it all to God and there was something that was revealed to me that I had to let go. I had to truly let go of the anger, hatred, regret,animosity and disappointment that I felt for this guy, his middle name is Lamar. I completely said everything that I had been holding in for so many years and told him to leave me alone. I let him go along with all the feelings of bad as well that lasted for 12 years. It felt good to make that change in my life. I also realized at the end of my spiritual journey of rediscovery that I needed to come clean with, I will just call him Ryan about an abortion that I hid from him for so long. This was the hardest thing for me because I really like this guy, I have liked him since college and I figured he would never want to speak to or deal with me ever again if I told him that I aborted his baby seven years ago this coming August. Initially he had questions, but now everything is back to the way it was, he still doesn't know that I like him though. Revealing my truth and learning to let my guard down has been the biggest change of this chapter.
Your mentality changes as a result of things that go on in your life, and when that happens people diminish from your life. Just know that if those people are no longer in your life, it is for a reason because there are no mistakes. As a result of my journey, my views have changed on things spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. I write all of this to say accept the change whether you understand it or not. God has a plan for all of us and I am happy to be in a place mentally to embrace the changes that take place in my life and so should you.
"Embrace the changes and go with the flow, even if you can't see it now it all works out so YOLO. "