I have finally accepted my truth for many years I have made excuses for things in my life that has changed me for what can be seen as for the bad. We are all broken on some level , we just don't know it. I am broken because for many years I have kept a wall built up in fear of getting hurt or being betrayed. Trust is non-existent, I want to trust but I don't know how. Sometimes I fear that I won't ever be able to fully trust anyone and that scares me.
The letters that I gave out were very important to me, they signified me opening up to those that I truly cared about and being more open and vulnerable. I really thought about everyone in my life and the people that were important to me. Just know if I gave you a letter or sent you an email or message that you are special to me and I wanted to open up to you the same that you have at some point opened up to me. I have always been really closed off, but I am not going to be anymore, especially to those that I care about.
In my letter I explained why I am closed off and un-trusting of others, in my letter I also explained that at a certain point in my life I was raped and how I held it in for so long because I was embarrassed and shame. I opened up about an abortion that I had that I had from the father. Out of all the things that I kept inside that one still really gets to me. I know that I did what I did because I thought it was right for me at the time, but I know that I should have told him. I feel like I took his first child away from him even though he now has two now many years later. It is crazy to think that I would have had a five - year - old. Everyone that I gave the letter to with the exception of two people that did not respond to the letter at all, it is fine. Giving out the letter made realize that there are people in my corner even though I didn't know. It is wonderful to know that I can be open completely with those that I care about and still be accepted .
To be accepted for your truth without having to manipulate anyone or lie is awesome. This was the hardest task in my journey to self- rediscovery that is the reason why I did it first; my second task is to read literature and use those as tools in re-building my faith and relationship that I once had with God. Sometimes we go through things that challenges our faith and ultimately that causes you to drift away gradually from a relationship and bond that is supposed to be so strong. My next blog will be on my take aways from the book that I am currently reading entitled At the End of Me by Darlyshia A. Menzie https://www.ferventservant.life/